Which Part of "No" Don't You Understand?

Saying “no” to our kids is sometimes very difficult, but do you know that we will do more harm than good to a child in the long run if he grows up never ever learning to accept “no” for an answer. Yes, and in so much profound ways than we can ever imagine.

I think that this particular topic is not given the attention it deserves. This, however, does not diminish its importance in raising well-adjusted kids. Sensible moms should take more notice of its immense effect on kids’ growth and development, and in maintaining peace and harmony in the family not only now but in the long run as well.

Why we should say “no” to kids sometimes

“No” is as much a part of character development as anything else. It is part of guiding kids where to go, how to act, when to do things and so forth. They do not always get things right the first time and being told “no” helps them form correct convictions. A little boy wanting to touch a lighted candle should be told “no” so that he will know that it’s gonna hurt bad if he did so.

Another reason is, in real life, they will get the same answer most of the time, anyway. They might as well get used to it so that they will be well-adjusted to the harsh realities of life later on. They will be able to adjust to rejection and to disappointments. They will also have a working knowledge of the fact that things do not always go as they wish. Giving in to every request, every whim, every want is damaging to a child because he grows up with a warped concept of life. He should not grow up thinking that the world owes it to him to cater to his desire.

“No” develops patience, because it teaches a child to wait for the best time to have what he wants, in case it is not yet possible to have it at the moment. A conditional “no” should be clearly differentiated form an absolute “no”. A conditional “no” might mean the timing is not right, or there are conditions that must be met before he gets what he wants. For example, a much-coveted toy (which usually means expensive), should wait until Christmas or his birthday. For the meantime, it has to be a “no”, and this trains him to be more patient.

“No” can also mean “I love you”. It does not mean that we love our kids less if we do not give in to everything they want. On the contrary, it is sometimes the best way to show our love and concern for their welfare and their character development, regardless if they know this or not.

They themselves will learn to say “no” when it is appropriate to do so. Believe me, this alone is enough reason to practice saying this magic word to your kids as appropriate. Peer pressure nowadays to conform is doing unimaginable damage to kids who are not strong enough to say “no”. This is something we parents should teach them.

More lessons about “No”

When we say “no”, we better mean it. Budging for just a little bit is courting trouble because the next time we say that dreaded word, they will think that they can bend our will just a little bit more to their liking. Before we know it, we have raised kids who can bully us or emotionally manipulate us. I have heard once that the best way to destroy a child is through inconsistency.

When we say “no”, there should be no threat attached to it. This is totally manipulative, and it also leaves us manipulated and vulnerable in case they decide to get back at us if we fail to carry out our threat. “You cannot watch TV beyond 9:00 pm or else, you won’t have any TV for the rest of the week” is not only a bad threat – it is also totally impossible. We all know that when the anger subsides, kids always get their TV time. “No TV beyond 9:00 pm so that you get more rest for tomorrow’s busy schedule” sounds better and more real.

I know of this spineless mom who always backtracks on her rules and even threatens her son if he does not obey. Then, she would buy every toy the boy wants but not before making the boy promise that he will be more obedient. I saw her up close and personal and observed her as she struggled every single day – never did her son obey her, even with all the “bribes” that he received from her and every threat imaginable. It is just pathetic to hear her complain that the boy does not obey her at all while he does not have any obedience problem with his dad. What is interesting is I have heard the boy yell these words at her more than once: “You are so bad, I don’t like you.” She gives everything he wants but still… I pity her.

Obedience is never conditional. It is something that is developed over the years but never with bribes of toys, threats and promises of rewards. It is developed by forming the character with clear rules and personal example. Speaking of rules, they include a lot of our magic word – “No”.

Of course, when we say “no”, we should be inventive enough to make it sound easier to obey, or simply more understandable to kids, depending on their age and level of maturity. With smaller kids, it takes a lot of explaining sometimes, and tons of persistence and consistency to mold them into obedient kids. For the bigger ones, granting that they started early on in this training, should not be very difficult to handle.

So, let’s not be afraid to say no. Let us work at strengthening our resolve when it is crucially needed. A deluge of persuasive tactics ensues after each “no” but we should remain firm for our kids’ own sake.

Hey, I am not saying that I have achieved perfection in this area. Actually, I was able to write this because of the numerous mistakes I committed (with still a lot more in the future, i suppose) regarding this very thing. So, it is safe to say that if you learned a thing or two from this post, you learned something from somebody else’s mistakes – mine.

Til next post, moms!

De-clutter With Your Tidying-up Army

I discovered a great TV show here in the UK for moms and homemakers called “Houses Behaving Badly”. It is hosted by a gentleman and a pretty lady. Viewers nominate houses that are seriously cluttered and dirty, which the hosts visit to tidy up and fix (at least the minor problems). The intention is to help the homeowners start on a clean slate, so to speak, but they have the responsibility to maintain the tidiness.

My initial reaction to the title of the show is that the houses are unfairly blamed for being cluttered and untidy, when in fact, the homeowners should be considered the guilty party. The houses are just the shells within which the inhabitants create their own space, defining it with their own tastes and preferences – including their tidiness or their total lack of it.

While the hosts and their crew are at work, the lady of the house is sent away to someplace they have always wanted to visit. Aren’t they too lucky? They receive spring cleaning services for free and get to have the day to themselves as well. On the other hand, I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes, as their problems with tidiness and cleanliness get viewed and scrutinized by the viewing public – and I can tell you that theirs are really serious problems. I personally would not want others to see how poorly I perform in the tidying department.

Tidiness should be the general theme of any home – whether it be a palatial structure or a simple abode. Generally, with kids around, this is quite a tall order. But on the brighter side, kids are extra hands to keep the place tidy – given that they are properly trained. Therefore, it is important to train them as early as possible to appreciate tidiness and cleanliness around the house and to help maintain it that way.

If they grow up in an organized and generally clutter-free home, they will take it as the normal state of things, and will eventually practice it for as long as they live. If they are enlisted in the tidying army at an early age, being organized becomes a habit and they will naturally be more responsible for the whole house and their own respective space.

De-clutter you home – Tips

Here are a few tips on how you can work with your children to maintain a clutter-free home:

1. Organize. Put things in storage boxes that are properly labeled and regularly checked for any misplaced objects. Shoes and books should have their own places and toys properly sorted according to their owners.

2. Enlist the kids. The children should be properly oriented about your expectations from them in this department. Lay down the ground rules so that there will be no misunderstandings. Show them where to put away things, including their trash or rubbish. If possible, post reminders or labels for their benefit, which you can eventually take away once they know their own tidying responsibilities.

3. Reward system. Launch a reward system where you recognize the week’s tidiest room or space and the most responsible member of the tidying army. Regularly check their own cupboards/cabinets, books, beds, toys or rooms to arrive at the most deserving awardee/s. Putting up a reward system gives them the message that this is a serious matter. Of course, you make it more exciting this way, too.

4. Avoid hoarding. Hoarding is a serious problem of many wealthy nations. I can say that it is a side-effect of retail therapy. People buy things they don’t need. As much as possible, avoid holding on to things you no longer need. Kids grow up fast and they outgrow a lot of things – from toys to books to clothes and shoes. Keep those that can be hand-me-downs but donate to charity or give away those that no one needs anymore. Reserve those precious storage spaces for the essentials. If you are up to organizing a garage sale, you can also make extra profit out of the items that you do not need any longer.

5. De-clutter regularly. Keep your tidying account short. Before bedtime, do a five-minute tidying up session, assigning each kid his or her own space to de-clutter. During weekends or whenever they are in the house for the whole day, do quick de-cluttering sessions at least three times each day.

If you follow these simple tips you will learn that maintaining a tidy, organized and sane living space with kids is indeed possible.

De-clutter your home – Advantages

Avoid accidents. A lot of accidents that happen in the house can be prevented if everything is tidy and organized. If you have very little children, the older kids should be taught to keep away small toys from them like marbles, or Lego pieces. A misplaced toy car on the stairs is a big disaster just waiting to happen. And what about those spills and trips caused by ropes or clothes on the floor? Anticipate problems like these and prevent them from happening.

Avoid stress. Every weekday morning, madness is not uncommon in homes where kids are preparing to go to school. Avoid hearing complaints about missing socks or shoes by teaching the kids where to keep them or find them. A lot of the stress generated within that short span of time when the kids are getting ready for school will be avoided if your house is organized and clutter-free. This applies also when the whole family is getting ready for church, for a trip or for whatever event that requires everyone to be dressed to go out.

Avoid health problems. A dirty house is a breeding ground for all sorts of molds, fungi and bacteria. A clean house is a healthy space, both for the body and the mind. Chose which one you want, what kind of place you want your family to go home to at the end of each day.

Weak and Wobbly Lion

I need to share with you something which I observed in my younger son, Elijah. He is a very passionate, intense person and that is what we mostly see in him. When he likes something, he really likes it. He wants to eat sunny-side-up eggs everyday if he can get away with it. I mean, he does not get tired of it!

And when he is angry, he really blows his top. One time, he was so mad at his brother that he asked me to douse him with water because according to him, his head was so hot because it was on fire! We usually try hard to hide our amusement at the way he expresses himself but we know that, that is how he is – fiery, passionate, intense.

There is this other side to him, though, which really touches my heart every time he does something to give him away. He is so soft-hearted, sympathetic and kind. Even his Winnie-the-Pooh toy gets a dose of my little boy’s loving acts. Before he leaves for school, he makes sure that it is all covered up in case it (the stuffed bear) gets “chilly”. Same thing when he snuggles down into his warm duvet to sleep at night.

One time, he and his brother came home from a church activity with a small stuffed animal toy each. His big brother got a tiny tiger that can stand up on its feet, while little Elijah brought home a tiny lion that is wobbly on the legs and falls smack flat when he tries to prop it up.

He was so upset because according to him, he was able to get one of those sturdy-legged lions first before his brother, but the big brother told him to return it to the heap of toys as it was not yet time to get one. He obediently dropped the toy back to the heap. Unfortunately, when the time came for the kids to help themselves to the toys, he got that lion instead. And so his wrath fell on his big brother (for telling him to return the first toy he got).

He was howling like mad. I could not stop him nor appease his misplaced anger. Then I remembered his soft side and told him that, maybe, the Lord allowed him to have that “sick and weak” lion because He wanted Elijah to look after it – that He knows Elijah is good at taking care of sick animals. It worked. Suddenly, the howling and ranting stopped and the next thing I knew, the “weak and sick” lion was lying in a little corner, being tended to like a real pet. His compassion and innate kindness prevailed over his own anxiety and frustration.

I am not endorsing “fooling” your kid every time just to get him to shut up. My point is, we mommies should know our kids’ better side – their positive traits and innate beautiful characters, and try to nourish those in every way we can. Someday, he will learn that the lion didn’t need any tending, but also, by then, he would have developed already as second nature that tender lovingkindess towards people and real animals - which was first showered lavishly on his lifeless stuffed toys.

Raising Would-be Philanthropists Who Give For the Right Reasons

I feel this strong urge to write about this topic and spread some kindness in a world so painfully lacking in love and compassion. This is my way of inspiring mommies like me to raise socially-aware kids who will grow up knowing how to share what they have with other people.

It is kinda baffling for a simple person like me to realize that 90% of the world’s wealth is controlled by a mere 10% of the population. There is so much want and need around us and it will not hurt if we all do our share in helping the less fortunate in our own simple ways. As moms, our sphere of influence would be our homes, our families and communities, and that is where we should start doing this act of kindness.

Influencing our kids in such a way that they will learn to think of other people more than the average youngster does, is a fantastic way to spread kindness in this world. Aside from raising them as sympathetic, less self-centered individuals, making them aware of other people’s needs will also teach them to be more grateful for what they have.

I am sure most of us have that compassion or concern for other people, which unfortunately, gets lost amidst the sea of other matters and interests. So, let us just say, this effort is also as much for our kids as it is for us.

So, how do we go about doing this? - In simple ways with profound effects, I guess.

Regularly mention the topic in your conversations. For example, when you see a TV commercial of a charity organization talking about children in Africa dying of diarrhea and malnutrition, take that opportunity to open their eyes to these harsh realities in ways that they can understand.

We can encourage our kids to set aside a small amount from their daily allowance to give to a poor classmate, church mate or donate to charity. Allow them to identify someone they know who needs help and assign that person to be the would-be recipient of the donation.

Inspiring them with stories of other kids or individuals who practice kindness in their life is also another way of instilling this virtue in them.

Giving away their unwanted toys and clothes to others who need them is also another way to achieve this. Of course, it will also help a lot in our de-cluttering efforts around the house.

When teaching children to be more generous, it is important to emphasize to them that the act of giving is not about them but about the people they show kindness to. They can feel good about what they do, but it is not something to brag about. It is about making another individual see their true worth, and that, is a genuine act of kindness we all need more of these days.