Papang
by mathe | Thursday, October 29th, 2009 at 12:25 am | Life as I See it |
This month, October 2009, is one of the most memorable yet for me. Life has just begun for me and ironically, I lost my father. Life can’t swing in two more opposite directions for anyone than that. I wasn’t thinking of this kind of emotional highs and lows when I turned 40 and looked forward to more excitement in my life. One moment I was celebrating and thanking God for life and the next, I would be shocked by the death of Papang, my earthly father.
Papang in our school’s canteen four years ago
While Papang’s passing away was always hanging like a gloomy cloud over our family for a long time now, no one can ever prepare for the loss of a parent. I was working that time when I got this horrible news. But I carried on working until it was time for me to go home, albeit being acutely aware that something has gone missing from my inmost being.
I have been, for the longest time, bargaining with the Heavenly Father for more time for my earthly father. But I was always aware that He calls the shots and so was somewhat resigned to the fact that He will call Papang home anytime He wants. I asked for healing, He thought it best to free him from his diseased body. I asked Him to teach my father to submit to His Lordship, He chose to slowly break his defences down until Papang told me: “Do help me ask for His forgiveness.” And then He took him home. That’s it. He’s gone forever, until I see him again.
Papang with some of the people who make up his world
I guess people cope with sadness and grief in different ways. My sister and mother were crying like there was no tomorrow initially, though they have mellowed down a bit and are now comforted by loved ones and friends. But I couldn’t bring myself to do that to release the grief. Instead, I pray and write. I have always been the noisiest and the most opinionated in the family but I surprised myself by being quiet and subdued as I deal with this horrific news. Maybe it’s because of my constant prayers for Papang that I have already mentally prepared myself for this. Or perhaps it’s because the distance makes it too surreal for me.
Papang a few months before we left for the UK in 2007,
pretty much how he looked like when I last saw him
I am due to fly home on Saturday to bury my father. How horrible it is to make this trip to find one parent missing, instead of being welcomed by Papang’s toothless grin and relentless texting; inquiring about my exact location every single hour of the trip until I am actually there. How uneventful every homecoming will be without his spirited search for his “pasalubong” (a gift one is supposed to give to those who are awaiting one’s arrival) among my luggage.
Papang, we will forever miss you. Through you, I have learned to get down on my knees to intercede for a soul like I have never done before. And, yeah, thank you for teaching me to love cooking. I can never ever show off my tasty dishes to you again. But that’s alright. Have some rest… til we meet again. I love you.
Other Thoughts
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My condolences to you and your family. I know you are a strong and brave woman. I believe that you can surpass this moment.
Solo
Travel and Living
Job Hunt Pinoy
Thanks, solo. By the grace of God, like other trials, this too, shall pass.
Hi Mathe,
Not to be irreverent, but your Papang looked very jeproks pala ha. I would have loved to have met him in person.
I hope in my dying days, when that I would still not submit to his lordship, I trust you will be the one to interecede, as always. I am always confident you will be my “gate pass” up there.
Take care.
Ann
Hi! Ann. Yes, Papang was a jeproks. You would have been amused by his ideas, thoughts, and idosyncracies.
By the way, I can’t be your “gate pass” to heaven, my friend. Jesus is – He said I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.” So all you need to do is trust Him. But intercede I will for you, my dear.
Thanks for visiting HotMomma.
i used to have a good relationship with my father until after a bad fight that led me and my mom to move away from our house…until today, we are separated. I don’t know when but I am praying that forgiveness will come upon me and that tatang will soon realize that its only me who really cares for his sake. Nobody wanted to have a broken family. Nobody…I always wanted to have one…But too bad I never had it.
Obviously I can’t change my family neither anyone of them. I Tried and i failed…I envy you for havinga good family…You may have lost your father physically but his love will always be there…I wished I had yours…
But I love my family, no matter how foolish we seems to look like sometimes. That’s all I can do. Sorry for venting…
Celebrate your father’s passing…Because I know…and you know…he’ll be with Him, our creator…=)
Jules
Jules, I appreciate your sharing.
When I was not yet a parent, I could not fully appreciate my parents’ value but now, I can totally understand why they behave the way they do. No one is perfect and sometimes, parents act even more immaturely than their children. But at the end of the day, they are our parents, our roots, our ancestors, from whom our DNA’s came. It is that basic instinct to connect with them that makes the child-parent relationship alive and dynamic – ensuring the continuity of one’s heritage.
It is not yet too late to mend fence with your estranged father. Before my Papang passed away, I was more harsh and judgmental in viewing broken family relationships. But now, I am more forgiving and I only have one message to those whose parents are still alive: “Love them.”
Papang was loved and adored by all of us his children, even with all his faults. He had a charmed life because he had so much love from all of us even if he could not and did not give back anything close to the intensity of love he received from us. That’s alright because now, we have no regrets. We know that he knew that we loved him. If ever I am crying secretly when I remember him, it is not regret but an intense longing to have him back – if only I could.
Thanks, Jules.